I continue to think about how this unique (to be kind) year continues to impact us all differently, how we adapt, cope and behave differently in response. I know I’ve talked a lot about emotions... well I am a therapist and we’ve had quite the emotional year...
When I notice themes in both my work and personal life, I tend to try to write about them. There continues to be a need for validation – the "okay" to feel and the reminder that the expression of those feelings tend to be less harmful than keeping them to ourselves. There also seems to be interesting trends in the ways in which we give weight to the differing factors contributing to our emotional state.... I'll try to make more sense of this as I go... With another wave of anxiety, frustration, disappointment, defeat… you name it. There is no denying the stress of 2020. I argue often that it is impossible not to feel some level of anxiety. Not because I wish this distress upon anyone, but because anxiety is usually the product of change and we have all been enduring a whole lot of change throughout this… unique year... I think many of us have adapted to a new normal of managing a higher level of stress than perhaps we have ever experienced in the past. As we adapt, we develop new ways of thinking, new ways of behaving, new ways of coping… these new methods can be helpful, they can be protective; they can also be harmful and lead to less adaptive tendencies. These changes aren’t always noticeable in the beginning, sometimes they become more apparent over time. We are all longing for a time when this year, this pandemic, is a distant memory. Reflecting on how unbelievable it is that we experienced so much in such a “short period of time.” As for now that seems impossible as we all feel the year dragging on... So, since we’re unsure of where the end may be (post election? 2021? Post pandemic? When we’re vaccinated?) We should probably find some ways to care for those potential negative effects, before they spiral into more harmful trends. We typically associated trauma with catastrophic events – well hasn’t 2020 been filled with them? The truth is trauma comes in all different forms. Trauma can be subtle; it can happen over time. I don’t say this to imply an overuse of labeling things as traumatic, but instead with the hope, that if we open our minds to the ways in which experiences and information can impact us; then perhaps, we will be better able to protect ourselves from the potentially negative lasting effects. A trauma response can be described as an internal shift due to a specific experience or reoccurring experiences - a change in our thoughts, feelings and behaviors and an onset of physical symptoms (quite the triggering word in a pandemic). These “symptoms” are our body’s way of telling us there is something we need to take care. But quite often we end up taking care of these symptoms, rather than the underlying issues creating them. We learn to adapt to them. We get used to them or managing them. We use them to make sense of our experiences. These symptoms can rewire our brains to associate this physical discomfort with anxiety even when that may not be the case. When we experience the symptom, we begin to search for the cause of our stress, we justify our discomfort. What should I be anxious about? Do you see how this can spiral out of control? We create new meaning, we find new threats, new reasons to feel uneasy. In this unique year there are plenty of threats- feeling anxious? Just choose a 2020 hot topic! But we don’t always give those hot topics the weight (or credit) they deserve. We search for more on our individual level – something closer, more personal, something about us. But, perhaps it is the larger picture; the stressors out of our control. The things we at times can shut our door to, yet they always find a way to creep in and wake us up at night. The reality is those larger things impact our every day life; they are personal. Our work, our routines, our traditions, our relationships, our beliefs have all been challenged during this year. The many roles we play in our lives impact our sense of self. All of these roles have had to be modified in some way or another, as we have adapted to our long list of 2020 stressors. Our norms have been altered, impacting our mood, our functioning and how we perceive ourselves. Our ability to interact with the world often makes us feel good. Our ability to fulfill our many roles feeds our souls in ways we may not recognize or perhaps don’t want to admit. It is easy to lose sight of our positive qualities when we are struggling in our day to day life, it is hard to feel good about ourselves, let alone the current circumstances. Adapting to a pandemic – another unique concept – how do we adapt to something that feels so out of our control? When there is no specific end in sight? When we are trying to balance so many significant stressors? The reality is we e are continuing to adapt. Often times trauma work is only appropriate when we have distance from the trauma. So once again we are left in a unique situation where our self-care must come with the realization that we cannot challenge all of our worries, we cannot dodge all the triggers, but we must find healthy ways to cope. In this pandemic we’ve had to create new ways of healing, new modes of therapy, new styles of self-care. It’s important to recognize that symptoms of trauma and anxiety look different from one person to another. How these symptoms play out, how they impact us can be different as well. Remember we may not initially recognize these tendencies as our trauma or stress responses, but once we do, we can hopefully find ways to take care of them. Being open to our emotional experiences and creative in our individual healing process can lead to hope when we feel at a constant loss. It is again that balance between shared experiences and individual needs. Remembering our needs differ from person to person, within our homes and out in the world. How can we find ways to take care of our emotional state and tend to our potential trauma responses, in a way that prevents further harm to ourselves or others, without damaging relationships? When we talk about making room for these feelings, taking care of them, it is to ideally reduce the effects of them building up. This can then play out physically, mentally/emotionally and relationally. Do we challenge our irrational beliefs, are we able to comfort ourselves? Can we recognize our cognitive distortions and put things into a healthier perspective? Do we seek out support, can we accept support? Do we shut down or take it out on others? Unfortunately or fortunately, once again we need to communicate. And we have to do it clearly. The details provide the outlet, they allow for understanding and connection. Our behaviors speak to each other, our emotions are not masked by not vocalizing them. We can’t assume someone else can read our mind and if we do we are often left feeling all the more misunderstood, all the more alone. Maybe it's just me, but silence seems to speak volumes particularly in this pandemic. Someone shared a post with me where therapy was referred to as a safe place to mess up. I often wonder why we don’t feel this same space throughout other aspects of our lives. We all deserve a learning curve – in life, in parenting, in relationships, definitely in a pandemic… A therapeutic relationship creates a safe space to openly express your thoughts and feelings, to sort things out, explore how things came to be and how thing could potentially change..... are we containing our emotions to prevent judgement, to protect ourselves from feeling too vulnerable, to reduce the risk of rejection?... Could it be better to take the risk and express your thoughts and feelings than to keep them to yourself? Could it be better to seek out connection, than suffer in silence? I suppose a difference can be the defined intent. When you come to therapy, it’s typically with the expressed goal of working on something, making things better (let’s hope!). Could expressing our intention and being thoughtful in our interactions, our actions in general, allow for more room? In some ways this pandemic has granted us all a lot more room to figure things out, but as time has continued on, we might feel an expectation that we should have adjusted by now and we should be doing much better… But the pandemic isn’t over yet, the worries of what else could be in store for this unique year are still lurking… We need the room to figure things out (to mess up), we need the room to feel, we need the creativity to heal... we need to reassure ourselves that even within these overwhelming circumstances we can maintain the intention to care for ourselves and those around us to the best of our ability. To find ways to choose to slow down and create a little hope and healing along the way. I know many of us want a road map as to how to feel better now, how to survive 2020. It may feel frustrating to be told it’s okay to feel, to sit with these intolerable emotions. But we don’t always have a cure and when we don’t, we need to find ways to best take care of our current reality. We need to make sure our stressors don't outshine our successes and capabilities. To target our irrational beliefs, to remind ourselves we’re doing better than okay. To remind ourselves that even in this unstable, chaotic year, we can still feel some sense of security in ourselves... within our homes. So, while we may not have the answers, perhaps we can somehow still find hope and the gift of a little extra kindness (a little extra room), to not only take care of those around us, but to take care of ourselves, as we continue to navigate life under such unique circumstances.
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As we continue to ride the emotional waves of the pandemic, we seem to be getting flooded once again by another surge of emotional turmoil. In both my personal and professional life, I have noticed similarities in the emotional shifts many of us have been experiencing over the course of the past (too many) months. If we take the time to put things into perspective these ups and downs seem to make a lot of sense.
While we have hopefully experienced some pandemic relief this summer - getting outdoors and engaging in our masked communities. We are now facing the worries of another shut down making it harder to feel as optimistic. Whether it’s the anticipation of the school year, colder weather, another round, (the election), we are all longing for an end date or even just a timeline… Some of us feel frozen in time, some are processing the disappointment that their upcoming events are going to look differently than they had anticipated. Many of us are confused as to how to move forward, set goals, simply make a plans. Thinking alone can feel impossible in this pandemic. Decision making can send us over the edge. At times we may not have a choice, we may be limited due to work obligations and health or financial concerns. When we are presented choices, we face the reality that there are no clear answers, no right answers. This internal conflict goes beyond our jobs and our children’s schooling, it exists in our decision making in everyday life. We are in a constant state of risk assessment. As we try to assess what is right for us and our families, we may only feel more overwhelmed. It’s understandable that in these times of such extreme stress we may want to avoid thinking and feeling altogether. When we are managing such a wide range of complicated emotions, how can we feel safe to identify them, let alone share them? When our safety and security are compromised on so many levels, how do we begin to search for relief and comfort? With the growing mistrust we have in our world (in our country) how do we begin to rebuild our faith and hope? This mistrust extends beyond the pandemic… but for the purpose of this “blog,” I’m going to try my best to simply address pandemic life. In times of heightened stress conflict can feel really good – any emotional outlet will do! Displaced feelings definitely serve a purpose… when we aren’t quite ready to address what were truly struggling with it can be easier to take it out elsewhere. And what a better time to avoid our feelings than in a pandemic? Unfortunately, we are being forced to address our feelings and communicate. If I could write a COVID relationship survival guide all tips would highlight the importance of communication. Partially because we are all stuck under the same roof now more than ever. Partially because we are all experiencing so many new, uneasy feelings as this complicated time drags on. We are being challenged to be more open, honest and vulnerable. Vulnerable at a time when everything feels so unstable and out of our control. As we are searching for some sense of control, some type of self-made security, we are being forced to become more comfortable feeling vulnerable. Even within the same household we are experiencing different stressors. We each have individual thresholds for stress, anxiety, for the emotional complexity of pandemic life. Within our own homes we want to avoid comparing and minimizing. As different human beings we take in, process and adjust/react in our own unique ways. When we aren’t sharing our experiences, we are making more room for conflict. When we aren’t communicating, we aren’t making the time to connect, to understand, to fully offer support. The simple act of acknowledging our feelings is the first step in letting them heal. With these heightened emotions can come more isolation (even in a busy household). Wouldn’t it be nice to know that there is room in our homes and in our relationships for these complex emotions? Even if they can’t be fixed or cured, we could be a little more okay with the fact that they exist. In my first post I referred to the frequently expressed support - “we are all in this together” - wondering how we can find comfort that we are not alone, that we can in some capacity relate to one another, while identifying and caring for our individual needs. In my pandemic-parenting post I wondered how we can reassure ourselves and find the good in such overwhelming times…. Our optimism and ability to come together was in part due to the belief that this all would pass. It’s hard to maintain this positive sense of unity overtime (in our homes and out in the world). It’s hard to be united when we are all impacted differently, when the reality our individual circumstances set in, when we acknowledge the injustice and inequality that exists, when we feel defeated by the absence of an “end in sight” and when our heightened anxiety shifts us into survival mode. When we are anxious we look to protect ourselves. We are fight or flight. We are just trying to get through. It can feel impossible to slow down, impossible to make the time for thoughts, for feelings, to take care of ourselves, to connect. Typically when we are addressing anxiety we look to challenge it. We look for irrational beliefs, we assess for current threats or triggers, we identify signs of safety. We currently have a constant stream of news sources reassuring us that our worries are in fact valid and have reason to be thriving…. Great! So what do we do now? It seems that the best option we have is to identify our feelings, address there is validity to them and find a way to take care of them… to take care of ourselves. While this may sound simple we clearly don’t practice this as regularly as we think. Partially because of survival mode… Partially because there is no time… Partially because of the fear it will only lead to the next catastrophe.. While I have been surviving thanks to remote working, summer weather getting us outdoors and our TV babysitter… that was all ripped away when a hurricane blew by taking out our power on its way for 5 long, HOT days… I kept stopping myself from thinking “WHAT ELSE?!” thinking this would only cast out a net for something worse to come along. I always wonder why we do that? We don’t want to think of the worst case scenario because then it will come true. We don’t want to admit our disappointments, as though it minimizes our gratitude. We don’t want to admit what we’re experiencing is too much because only more will pile on top of it and then what will we do? With Disney plus restored I have Inside Out to remind me of my appreciation of complex emotions… probably why I became a therapist. In my work I get to validate the emotional experiences of my clients. When I reflect back their storytelling and emphasize the emotions associated with their experience there is relief as they hear how these “crazed” emotions might actually make sense. This Disney movie reminds us complex emotional experiences are normal (we are not always losing our minds!). It also reminds us a range of emotions are healthy and good. Positive memories are also made up of negative emotional experiences (I’m thrilled to share that my daughter is no longer consuming dirt every time she is outdoors); from fear, disgust, anger and sadness, come life lessons, connection and healing. I recently took my son to my office and when I saw him in a mask, in this space I designed as a safe place for others to search for hope and comfort when it is needed most, I was flooded with sadness. It was one of those pandemic moments where the reality of it all hits you and there is nowhere to hide. In my work I am invited to get to know someone’s experiences, learn about their current challenges and discomfort and in the process help them to identify what relief would look like to them. And in turn, I too get to feel hopeful. In this pandemic, it seems that relief most often comes in the form of validation. In validating our feelings we are giving ourselves permission to feel this way, with this permission we hopefully give them time to be felt, to be processed, to release them in some way, so that we can heal. Ideally, we would address them and share them; communicate with others about our emotional truths, so that we can feel that connection and comfort we are longing for. With all of this chaos we are being forced to face our feelings… well at least I hope we are. So, with the goal of taking care of our feelings, reducing conflict and connecting more with others, we should probably start communicating…. While I do not intend on writing a politically charged “therapy blog,” I wanted to reference my own validating experience. It happened as I watched Michelle Obama’s speech from the Democratic convention. She first acknowledges that she can’t blame anyone for not wanting to tune into to anything political at this time – Very validating! Then at the end of her speech she attempts to address it all, to reach us all; in our differing experiences, differing worries… the list went on and on. I have felt very lost myself in finding where to start, what to address. I know that I can’t address it all, but I hope that in some way if you are someone taking the time to read this, however you may have stumbled across it, I hope that somewhere in these words you feel understood, you feel heard. I hope that with that validation you feel safe to share your own thoughts and feelings with your inner circle, so that we can challenge these isolating times and reestablish our positive connections, to find that relief and maybe even the hope that we are longing for. Quarantine week 6… I may not be losing my mind, but I am definitely losing my patience….. Since I’ve taken the leap and added a blog to my website, I’ve started to explore other topics that may be beneficial to write about. I began thinking about our differing experiences parenting in a pandemic. I was hoping it would be a little wittier than the last post, perhaps even more hopeful and energizing. Then I had a day filled with timeouts and tantrums and began to question my ability to think, let alone be uplifting. A normal day can be emotionally draining, quarantine seems to be filled with constant waves of emotional exhaustion. We usually try to put things into perspective to muster up some motivation and a positive attitude. But sometimes, we have had it. Sometimes repeating your child’s homeschooling directions 5 times is manageable, sometimes it makes you want to lay on the floor. When there were first talks of quarantine, I wondered how I would fill the time. I thought I’d get projects done around the house, clean, start an online training, all while watching my kids and working from home. Perhaps I had lost my mind? Are there days where half of this seems manageable? Sure! Most days I can barely complete a minor household task without constant interruptions. I really don’t recall being this in demand before quarantine started.... Some days feel good and we forget what is really forcing us to stay home. Other days everything sets in. How can I be a present parent when I am so distracted by the reality of this worldwide crisis? Whether we’re working remotely, continuing to leave home for work or unable to work at this time, there is a lot we are juggling that can’t be tallied, that can’t be seen. How do we measure our success as parents during a pandemic? This can be difficult to keep in perspective at any time. The benefits to social media during quarantine – we sometimes feel relief when we relate to others, we can feel hopeful when we learn of someone else’s success or acts of kindness. The downside - we can feel incomparable to what others are doing and subconsciously start to put ourselves down. On the days when I feel like I have nothing left to give and TV feels like the only option, the best babysitter I can hire during a pandemic, I have to try to appreciate the moments that provide relief that we are all still okay. It seems to me that a positive aspect of this challenging time is how it is reminding us to simplify and focus on our basic needs. So, let’s take some pressure off and look for signs of pandemic parenting success. What are the signs that what we are doing is enough?… Does my child feel safe? Does my child feel understood (this is probably more challenging with teens)? Is my child happy (also more challenging for socially deprived teens)? Does my child feel loved? When we are emotionally in-tune with our children we reap the parenting rewards. Are we always able to provide an abundance of patience? We’re emotional beings, so most likely not. During week 6 of quarantine, absolutely not. But does a lack of patience challenge your love for your children? Usually, although tempting, it does not. We know parenting is both challenging and rewarding, we also know children are both wonderful and infuriating. Even when we know tantrums are age appropriate and constant testing is normal, these repetitive challenges can make us feel an inability to meet anyone’s needs. Life is so busy (even when we can’t leave our homes) we can get lost in the process of simply trying to survive. We can lose our sense of self and develop this overwhelming feeling of self-doubt. We lose track of what we are doing well, what has been accomplished and focus on what is still left to do or what we could have done better. Why is it that we have the tendency to focus on all of the room for improvement? When I was younger, I was always the type to miss the most important step when I thought I had every box checked. I have a very clear memory of driving to my internship as an MFT graduate student and having a morning where I was just feeling good. There was this energy surging through me saying “I’ve got this! I’m in the right place, I’m where I’m meant to be, this will be a great day!” After my hour drive, pumping myself up with optimism, I stepped out of my car, looked down and realized I had 2 completely different shoes on. Literally one was black, one was beige. These minor negative moments lead to self-doubt, they tell us not to trust our gut. We become rewired to question, not comfort. This tendency to then question rather than reassure filters its way in other aspects of our lives. We have to be aware of how this can spiral into a negative sense of self. When our child accidentally gets hurt we instinctively take on some amount of responsibility. This automatic sense of blame isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s a sign our parenting instincts are working. These are signs we want to keep our children safe, we want them to be healthy, we want them to be happy, we want them to feel loved. We have to be careful of the automatic negative thoughts that question our ability to meet our children’s needs. Perhaps, we need to find relief in our children’s ability to maintain their negative behaviors during this time? Let’s take it as a sign that you have been able to protect them from how much change has been going on around us, as they prove their behaviors can stay the same. We have to keep in mind that we can have bad days, we can yell, we can imperfectly discipline and if it doesn’t feel right, we can repair it. We can lose our patience and apologize; we can be at odds and find ways to reconnect. We can have days like the one I had today - time outs every 10 minutes, yelling and no one is listening, nap time can’t come soon enough and bedtime should be shifted to at least a half hour earlier for everyone’s sake - We can have these days and still know we are providing our children with enough stability and plenty of care. The other day, we were all home (obviously), everyone was surprisingly busy, so our house was of course a mess. I sat on the playroom floor to clean up some toys (that will be back on the floor within 3 minutes) and one of my daughters came wandering by. She stopped when she came close to me, threw her arms out, wrapped them around me and hugged me with enough joy to fill the room. While I hug my children all the time, this caught me off guard. In this moment I realized she was happy, she was appreciative, she felt safe, she feels loved… and she wanted to share it with me. What more could I ask for? I needed to soak in this moment. I needed the reminder that we are perhaps better than “okay”. We don’t always get a visible checklist telling us we completed a task, or tangible feedback of a job well done, especially from our children. How can we in our day to day life find fulfillment by appreciating the smaller moments? Can we recognize we are doing our best and allow that to be good enough? I would be lying to you if I said I didn’t feel a constant pressure to do more. Okay, I can blame social media again if I want to find an external source. I could blame my children’s lack of (age appropriate) patience. But, if I’m really honest this pressure is internal. So, if I am going to take responsibility for it can I also help alleviate it? One of my daughters, without fail, attempts to eat sand or dirt every time we go outside. While she doesn’t enjoy it and looks for help to clean out her mouth, she clearly has yet to focus on the one negative experience she repeatedly has in our backyard. Instead, she recalls the fun of playing in the mud, digging in the sand box and running around in the fresh air. Clearly some negative experiences are beneficial. Most of us learn from them. Fear and self-doubt can be healthy. I would of course love for my daughter to remember the unpleasant feeling of a mouth full of sand. I’m also relieved to know her positive experiences are outweighing the bad. As a parent do I fixate on my inability to keep a constant eye on her to prevent another taste test? Do I wonder what I am doing wrong that is preventing her from learning this life lesson? Or do I find it fulfilling to provide my kids with a space to safely explore? I’m not hard on my daughter for this longer than expected learning curve, so why do I need to be so hard on myself? While we’re parenting in a pandemic we of course hope to be more patient with our children, but we also need to be more patient with ourselves. With all of the chaos going on in the world, with all of the overwhelming information we are flooded with on a daily basis, with all of the emotions of parenting, we can still be enough for ourselves and for families. When we’re kinder to ourselves, we are more in tune and empathetic with those around us as well. We may not have an abundance of patience, we may not have the energy, but we probably have the ability to find signs that our children are okay; they feel safe and they feel loved. When your children are at each other all day, when they forget it’s their top priority to annoy their siblings and you catch them laughing together unknowingly enjoying one another’s company... those are the signs of your success. When the tantruming toddler set off by everything and anything finally finds their lovey and makes their way to your lap... this is the reminder that you are their comfort, their safe space, their secure base. One night last week I had just put my son to bed and I heard him call for me. When I entered his room he thoughtfully thanked me for an activity we had done together earlier in the day. Again, I was caught off guard. While I like to think I’m raising kind, appreciative children, like all toddlers they can be complete terrors as well. This expressed appreciation meant the world to me and although he is young, I could see he understood the gift he had given me. He may return to talking back and ignoring my directions tomorrow, but he reminded me that we can have these age appropriate challenges and still be doing better than okay. While I continue to navigate parenting in a pandemic I may not be able to promise to have over flowing energy or a constant supply of patience. But, I will do my best to soak in the hugs, listen closer to their laughter, appreciate their trials and errors and take in their signs of gratitude. And, whether I’m wearing matching shoes or not I’ll hopefully feel comforted that I am doing enough and that we are all okay. As the week started out I began to feel myself unraveling. There is so much uncertainty, but the one thing that felt quite certain was that I was probably starting to lose my mind. I decided to start an online training to ensure my brain was still working and apparently, I am also contemplating starting a blog?...... Our current reality is that everyone is impacted by COVID-19. It feels like our lives and the world are on hold. How are we supposed to wrap our minds around the fact that we are living in a pandemic? There are so many unknowns. It is nearly impossible not feel some level of anxiety or fear about what we are all experiencing. Naturally I find myself thinking of more challenging situations to put my own experiences in quarantine into perspective. Yes, this is a scary time in the world, but.... “I’m not a single parent navigating this alone. My household is not dependent on one income. I am lucky to be able to stay home and to be able to work from home. I am lucky that my family is home with me, that we are currently healthy and that I enjoy their company 85% of the time (maybe closer to 20% of the time as the week comes to an end...) I’m lucky my children are too young to understand what is going on and I don’t have to take on virtual learning on-top of everything else.” I try to wrap my mind around the thought of being an expecting mother, unsure if their spouse or partner will be able to be in the delivery room with them. I try to imagine being an immune compromised individual afraid to step outside their door, unsure of the safest way to get food or anything they may need to comfort themselves during this time. I try to imagine being a healthcare worker on the frontline, battling their anxiety while caring for patients with COVID-19. These thought processes, while helpful in many ways, can also minimize my own feelings and experiences. So where do I find the balance? Can I feel grateful for my life circumstances and still allow myself to feel negative emotions? If I am so willing to empathize with others, can I save a little for myself? As the week slowly moved along, I began to realize that this feeling of insanity was really a compilation of so many mixed emotions. Is there a chance that I’m not actually losing my mind, but that the wide range of emotions I’m experiencing could be normal? In the online training I’m participating in the instructor started out by highlighting the importance of “normalizing” the client’s symptoms. I started to think a lot about how this basic therapy skill could be helpful to us all as we navigate life impacted by COVID-19. Normalizing is used in therapy to provide psychoeducation about the normative aspects of a client’s experience to encourage further exploration and discussion. While we want to provide comfort that there is normalcy in the individual’s symptoms, we also want to highlight that each individual experience will of course have differences. In the first week of being quarantined my girlfriends and I decided to plan a virtual hangout. The group was made up of six different women with six different jobs, six different households, six different histories and six different personalities. While there are plenty of things that bring us together and help us connect, I found myself reflecting most on how differently this “same” situation impacts each of us. There are many efforts being made to emphasize that “we are all in this together.” And in so many ways we are. In my work as a therapist this is more apparent than ever. How can I encourage my clients to take the time to further explore their individual experiences, while identifying when it is therapeutic to relate? In therapy and in life we are constantly looking for ways to find a balance between being comforted by shared experiences, while still taking care of our individual needs. In our day to day life in quarantine can we challenge ourselves to hear one another’s experiences without minimizing or comparing? Can we listen to each other’s fears without taking them on ourselves? Can we feel safe to share our thoughts and feelings without sounding selfish or maybe even a little insane? Another significant piece to normalizing is emphasizing that having the belief that what you are experiencing “is not normal,” is healthy. When normalizing results in minimizing or dismissive interpretations, it is usually due to the degree of discomfort the experience is creating for the individual. We then need to explore the ways in which that discomfort is healthy, to provide relief and hope. In other words, this thought that this is “not normal” is what is leading us towards creating thoughts that will encourage change and healing. In my own experiences over these past weeks I recognize that I can have such drastic emotional shifts. I find myself wondering if it’s normal that I can fluctuate from feeling a profound appreciation for this time with my children to contemplating which one I would likely give away today if I was asked? (too extreme?) I watch my toddlers cycle between crying and laughing all the time. Are we so sure that’s not acceptable for adults?... Is it possible to love being with my family, while still feeling overwhelmed by their constant presence? Can I feel scared and worried, while also feeling hopeful? Can I feel overwhelmed with confusion and still feel confident in the choices I’m making to try to stay safe? Can I have all of these mixed emotions and still feel like a competent therapist in some capacity? Can I have all of these mixed emotions and still know that I am okay? Week 3 of quarantine… I am realizing I need to make room for a variety of ever-changing emotions. We need to find ways to allow ourselves to process what we are experiencing. We need to be forgiving of ourselves for the negative thoughts and emotions we are going to experience. We need to be patient with ourselves when our thoughts and feelings seem to so drastically shift. We need to recognize that we may experience more extreme emotions and emotional shifts during this time and that it is normal. We need to find ways to allow parents to embrace their frustrations with homeschooling their children and working remotely, while appreciating this extra time together. To validate the expecting parents anger of having to welcome their baby into their lives under these circumstances, while feeling grateful for the joy that their baby will bring to their lives during this time. Can we support healthcare professionals in addressing their worries and fears without challenging their sense of security in their ability to do their job? All of these mixed emotions are normal outside of a pandemic. Now everything is heightened, these intensified feelings might feel more manageable by avoiding them. It’s normal to wonder if it’s possible to address these feelings and still be okay. Of course, I‘d now like to encourage you to communicate more openly with those around you. Push yourself to be honest about how you are feeling about all the unknowns. Challenge yourself not to compare. Allow yourself to feel how you feel without minimizing. Encourage yourself to clarify when you feel misunderstood to seek out comfort from those who likely want to provide it. How can you prioritize the time to truly connect with others and prioritize selfcare with everything else you are juggling? I hope that what you take away from this is that you are not alone. We are, in fact, in so many ways, all in this together. But, however you are feeling today, however you feel tomorrow and in weeks from now (in five minutes from now) those feelings are worthy of your time and attention, those feelings deserve to be shared, so that you can further process what YOU are experiencing and take better care of yourself and those around you. Now, it’s hitting me that if I do choose to share these thoughts my family can see them… and then I too will have to practice more patience. I too will have to make room for everyone’s ever changing emotions, not just my own… so, there is still a strong possibility that I really am just losing my mind…. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
November 2020
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